(Copyright Juliana Francis 2008)

I was discussing with my friend Victor, and one thing led to another, and we started talking about bored housewives.

Women whose husbands have provided and given them everything money could buy, yet they still get engaged in extra marital affairs.

It was almost like what my friend, Apollo’s wrote last week. Every guy wants his wife to be an angel in the living room, but a devil in the bed room.

Same goes for ladies. Every babe, no matter her social status, wants a tiger in her bed.

In issues that have to do with sex, babes don’t like settling for less. It invariably means that if a guy wants to bang a babe, his pole will have to be as hard as Olumo rock and as adroit as Jay- jay Okocha when he handles a football.

Personally, I can’t stand a guy whose pole is soft as a baby’s buttocks. I know you may not believe this, but a large percentage of men have soft manhood. Beat if I know why.

Sex is very important, to me and millions of ladies. I will tell you how I got to know.

I have told this story more than a million time, but I never get tired of repeating it. I was still in 200 levels, University of Ilorin.

We were all waiting for Dr Wunmi Raji to come to the class for his period. We were mostly ladies; all waiting at a place we call ‘Gossip Centre’ in Mini Campus.

In Mini Campus, if you want to have a dossier or file on any student, just go and sit at Gossip Centre. You’re guaranteed to hear someone talk about the student.

He or she only had to walk past, and then tongues would start wagging.

Gossip Centre is information base that could put FBI to shame. So there we were, waiting for Raji, worrying ourselves silly that anybody could be called to present his or her assignment.

I tell you, presentations in Raji’s class, it’s like going to the war front.

A case of Iraq and America factions confronting each other; you come out feeling drained.

Anyway, to while away time and doused the mounting tension, we ladies started discussing sex, poverty and marriage.

This question was raised; who among us, would prefer to marry a rich, but impotent man.

It was juxtaposed with another question; how many of us would like to marry a poor guy, who has no bed, no money to feed the babe, but can ball her well and good.

Come on dears; take wild a guess on the debate tilted? You don’t have time for guessing game?

Okay, let me just give it to you straight. We all preferred the poor guy. Yes, all the babes!

There was no argument about it. No pussy footing.  We all knew what we wanted; hard poles ramming down between our ‘wetin call.’

To hell with Mr. Millionaire and his Hummer Jeep!

The incident was a significant reflection of a babe’s feeling on issues that had to do with sex. It was exactly what my friend Victor was trying to tell me.

Victor has a lot of rich friends, whose bored wives had to start sniffing at their gardeners, houseboys and drivers for sexual satisfaction.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that houseboys are usually10-15 years old.

But then, a sexually starved woman would even make do with a 15 years old candy bar. Rape!

So, let me get back on track; you may buy a private jet for your wife, but if you are not giving her that sex tonic…Ha!

I don’t mean just digging into her wet jungle listlessly with your sorry hoe and rushing out to quickly go back to your laptop.

Nay, I mean, really giving it to her hard and sizzling.

A sexual bout that when she comes out from under you, she would be grinning from ear to ear; like she had suddenly discovered the cat that got the cream.

A woman’s face is very expressive of her satisfaction. Watch out for it; after any satisfying sexual activity with you, a smile will tugs at her reluctant lip.

She’ll call you “Sonny! Sonny!,” instead of Papa Sunday.

Yes, you’ve pleased her. Ladies have a way of shortening their man’s name when they are sexually satisfied.

If she gets off the bed, frowning or looking morose, my guy, you’re in trouble.

If she doesn’t caress you or try to get hold of your pole inside her wet core, you are a dead meat!

And if she starts to talk about the children, hisses or starts discussion on the antics of PHCN. Ha! You are a goner! There are so many ways to know if you’ve satisfied a babe.

If a babe grudgingly gets up from the bed and storms into the toilet, you know what she had gone to do? You don’t know? You are so bloody naïve!

She has gone to make herself come. Yes sir, masturbation, right under your nose. Now, how does that makes you feel?

I heard that the wives of politicians, senators and the rest bandwagons are often plagued by this urge to bed another who is not their husbands.

Can you blame them?

They probably married a man who was always there for them…. Giving them sex, left, right, centre and forward…

Suddenly, fortune catapulted him into the sit of power and wealth.

He now spends a greater part of his energy and time in Abuja; in a shouting match, before moving to the next agenda of throwing chairs.

If he bothers to come home, he spends his time on phone, attending to one function or another. Many of these men leave their wives and children in Lagos and stay in Abuja.

The wife and children get to see them so rarely. And when such a housewife starts having an affair, the man would be the last to find out and the first to scream blue murder.

Oga abeg shut up! Why are you shouting? After all you forced her into this situation.

She’s not a widow, yet you expect her cunt to get rust waiting for your pleasure, while you chase all the little girls in Abuja Abi?

You have a babe greasing your manhood, yet you want your wife’s core to get rusty. It’s not fair! The good thing about a widow is that she takes a lover, but a married lady denied of sex and I mean good sex, can’t do anything about it. This is Africa.

Since the money started rolling in, you don’t even spend quality time on foreplay when you bother to ball her.

You keep thinking of one contract and Ghana-Must-Go bag after another.

Haba! Your new found wealth cannot take the place of sex. I’m yet to come across any babe, who experiences orgasm after naira notes are stuck into her honey well.

The same thing goes for business executives and bankers. Look here sir, just go home and check if those kids you call yours are not really those of your driver and gardener. How long ago have you given your wife a good licking in bed?

To be continued next week

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